The kids have been excited since the beginning of this month for today. Everyday they ask:
“Are we going today?!”
“You said we will go tomorrow! Is it tomorrow yet!”
“Is today, tomorrow?!”
“Is today Saturday?”, “Why is it not Saturday?”.
It is finally Saturday.
We have all put on our best clothes and are on our way to the MemoriesRUs office. This shiny new building that opened this year takes up most of the neighborhood park space. They are promising all kinds of activities and services for children and adults coming very very soon. I wonder what they will have? Will it replace the park, the slides and the jungle gym that I used to play in as a kid – a new interactive gym and more? This towering skyscraper promises to be the next big thing in human-experiences. At first, I was just as excited as all my friends, that they are opening a franchise in our neighborhood. Most things come very late to a small neighborhood like ours. I guess the next big thing in human-experience cannot wait and we can’t wait for it. Though to be honest, I am a little tired now from the many months of waiting to get off the waitlist. But the wait is finally over and I feel a new nervous excitement.
But Today, we are here for a very special purpose. I am a little anxious about the Silver premium package membership which Mr. Sharma got for us. I heard from my friends that each level of the membership adds a whole different layer of experiences. I hope the one we got is worth it. I really want the best, or at least the best we can afford. It is not like this is just pure entertainment. This is the first time the children are going to meet their Grandma.
It took us only an instant to collect all of Maa’s photos, videos, texts and physiology data and hand the rights over to the company. They already had it all ofcourse. They only needed us to sign off on their consent forms. I know no one ever reads those but I really tried this time. I have been getting more and more nervous as the day approaches. I have read all the reviews, every single brochure. We had to sign up. How could we not? It is the future of funeral homes. “They are with us” – reads the tag line in bold, attractive flashing fonts on their front page. A picture of me, in a white gown, on their front page is touching her heart. I never get used to seeing these personal ads. I remember when I was a kid and they had just started. Deep Fakes they used to call it. Such an ominous name for what quickly became everyday life. Nowadays the kids don’t even question choosing themselves as the main character in the new Pixar film before we go to the movies. Everyone wants to see themselves everywhere. Call me an old school boomer but I still like watching the classics without seeing my face everywhere.
But today all I can think of is Maa.
I am going to see her.
I am going to meet her, talk to her!
Am I really going to talk to her? I haven’t spoken to her in 15 years since she passed. I remember for many years after her passing, I would look at our videos, our family vacations. Sometimes I’d cry, Most of the time I’d laugh, I’d remember exactly what she would say. How she would point out my flaws, my little victories. It is easy to speak to her in my head, ask her for advice in my mind. But I don’t know if I am ready for today.
It is finally Saturday. I am wearing my old red Kurta that she adored. Will she remember?
I really don’t know how to talk to her, or at least this version of her. The kids are extremely excited. They understand the virtual worlds much better than I do. I hope they have a great time. They have never had the chance to meet Maa yet. She passed away before they were born. Rohan has packed his favorite dinosaur toys to show her and Ria has been practicing her singing to show grandma how talented she is. I am a little jealous of the little ones. How can I have the same kind of excitement? Perhaps never having made real memories of someone makes it easier to make new ones. But this will be just as real. At least that’s what the brochures say. Our package gets us a 2 hour appointment in a customizable space modeled after Maa’s room. She will be there to welcome us. The new haptic tech will let us touch her, feel her, give her a hug. But I have so many questions!? Will she sound like she did when I was a little girl? Will she sound like she did in her final years – hoarse and full of the kindest love. I remember her eyes as she used to look at me. But today, I am a little afraid of looking into her eyes.
Rohan suddenly shouts from the back of the car “We are here! We are here!”.
*inhales*
Let me take a deep breath. Perhaps this will be the best thing ever – at least for the kids.
For me – I am afraid. I didn’t think I would be afraid when we signed up for our membership. Is this the future? A future of never letting go.
As humans, we are always holding on to our past, to all the possibilities.
The endless photographs, conversations, memories, drive spaces, memory playlists, data insurance schemes.
In my mind, I can picture myself as a 5 year old – holding Maa’s big – all knowing hands. I don’t want to let go. I never wanted to let go. But once we let go, can we hold on again?
I’ll try. I can’t wait to see my Maa.
Manaswi Mishra 